...neighbors.

I just had the most entertaining telephone conversation with a neighbor. Here's a transcript, at least as well as I can recall it:

CALLER: "Hi. How's it going?"

ME: "Fine. Who's this?"

CALLER: "Lionel. I'm one of your neighbors. A group of us are getting together and talking about some issues. We're just calling our neighbors to see if we can get some opinions on some things going on, and ask them how they feel about religion."

ME: "..."

CALLER: "Hello?"

ME: "How did you get this number?"

CALLER: "We have lots of numbers."

ME: "Did you get this number from the leasing office?"

CALLER: "I'm sorry?"

ME: "The leasing office. The apartment office. The landlords. Did you get this number from them?"

CALLER: "We have lots of numbers."

ME: "Yeah, but how'd you get mine? We're on a Do Not Call List, and we're unlisted. So how did you get this number? Did someone at the leasing office give you our number?"

CALLER: "No, sir. We have a list."

ME: "Who are you?

CALLER: "Lionel."

ME: "Who do you represent?"

CALLER: "I'm one of your neighbors."

ME: "At the apartment complex?"

CALLER: "No."

Silence, then:

ME: "Are you calling on behalf of a non-profit organization?"

CALLER: "No."

ME: "Then who do you represent?"

CALLER: "Jehovah's Witnesses."

ME: "Ah, there it is."

CALLER: "We're just trying to talk to our neighbors."

ME: "You keep saying that. Where are you? Do you live here?"

CALLER: "Jehovah's Witnesses are everywhere, sir."

ME: "Well, that's reassuring."

CALLER: "Let me ask you something. Why do you think people are so sensitive about religion?"

ME: "Because it's an extremely private thing that people can either do individually or among like-minded people at a church, synagogue, mosque, whatever. You don't just call total strangers and ask them about it. You're going to upset people."

CALLER: "What did Christ say about spreading the Word?"

ME: "I'm not a Bible scholar."

CALLER: "Don't you think Jesus walked up to total strangers and asked them about their faith?"

ME: "I wasn't there!"

CALLER (laughing): "Well that's a good answer."

ME: "I can tell you this. Jesus didn't call them on the phone."

CALLER: "Well they didn't have phones back then."

ME: "Fair point, but these days, you don't just call random people to ask them about their faith. People are very sensitive about their privacy."

CALLER: "Why? Isn't it sad to say that about our world, where people are so sensitive? That they're so paranoid they live in fear of others who believe differently?"

ME: "I don't think it's that exactly. Approaching total strangers and striking up a conversation about most private matters can be unsettling. Plus, people are wary of strangers, and rightly so. It's none of your business what I think about religion. The world we live in now -- you could be anybody -- a pervert, a psycho, or the guy who lives next door. How do I know you're who you say? I don't even know where you are right now."

CALLER: "I can respect that, sir. We're not trying to upset you by calling. We're just trying to make people aware of this free book we have, and we can send that out to you at no charge if you're interested."

ME: "Oh come on. This is no way to sell your religion."

CALLER: "Whoa, I'm not trying to sell anything here. Who said anything about selling?"

ME: "I'm using 'sell' as a figure of speech. You're not going to convert people or spread your message very effectively by invading people's privacy and asking personal questions. What you believe is what you believe, but what you're doing right now is wrong."

CALLER: "Sir, I can tell you're upset..."

ME: "I'm not upset. I'm just a little weirded out right now, and I'm trying to tell you that what you're doing is wrong and you shouldn't be doing this."

CALLER: "We're just trying to spread the Word of Christ."

ME: "I appreciate that, but this is Indiana. We have the Word of Christ already. We don't need strangers calling and posing as our neighbors, then being evasive when asked who they represent, and asking personal questions out of the blue. This is just really weird. You know that, right? Think about what you're doing, man."

CALLER: "I think about religion all the time, sir."

ME: "That's not what I'm saying!"

CALLER: "Well, look, if you're not interested in the book, that's fine. The last thing we want to do is upset you. Thanks for your time. I'm sorry we bothered you."

ME: "That's not--"

*click*

Bastard hung up on me. He didn't even get what I was saying. How can you be so obtuse?